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This is my Story

May 7, 2016

When I feel like I have to do something.  I know its right and immediate.  Nancy Bell gave me that permission within myself when she posted the picture I took of her smoking some herb.  I literally jumped out of bed, made coffee, let the dogs out, fed them and texted Stephanie a good morning hello. 

 

Now here I am. Hands on laptop ready to write. 

 

This Hawaii thing...This Renaissance Women thing...This Decloaking thing...

 

Never in a million years did I ever think I would be in Hawaii or go to Hawaii.  It is just something that would never happen for me. It was either to unrealistic, or too expensive, or I needed that money for something else.  This list always went on and on.

 

When I texted Naomi in December asking her if she was doing a decloaking in January.  She said, "no, but we are creating an amazing experience coming up in Hawaii in April."  I then said.  "No, thank you.  I cant wait that long."

 

I couldn't wait that long because, I was going through yet another panic filled moment of what society calls anxiety attacks. With me..it is "Extreme panic disorder with Agoraphobia." I was diagnosed this label when my dad was murdered in 2008 by his new wife. That was the icing on the cake for me.  My last straw.  As I was also sexually abused as at the age of 6 by a friend of the families. Also, torn apart from the intense separation of my parents divorce at the age of 17,  There is much more... the pressure was building up in my body and was beginning to scream rumble and shake. The intensity. 

 

I was torn down and worn out..  Tired of being positive, running, eating well, juicing, half marathons, and doing yoga, being a mom, a wife and going to work full time everyday. 

At this point, I went to see my Dr.  and got the medication.  I took it.  For 5 days.  The longest and most horrifying 5 days ever.  I felt like I was in a glass fish tank.  Not being able to talk as myself, Not making sense.  Seeing everything, but even more terrified than ever to speak.  

I knew I had so much to give to this world.  This pill was NOT for me.

 

I will never forget Naomi's email reply back from that response.  It felt so urgent, and concerning, caring and heartfelt.  "What do you need right now from me?  How can I help? You are not alone. Those were not her exact words.  But, close enough..Thats all I needed to hear in that moment. 

 

That I was not alone! That there was this women all the way in fucking Hawaii that made me feel not alone.  She was busy with her kids, and her own shit.  Naomi did not stop engaging with me from that point on.  She then offered me a proposal.  A virtual decloaking, and a trip to Hawaii in April.

 

I did not commit to Hawaii in April, because I was afraid of my agoraphobia.  The feeling of not being able to "get out" when on a plane was just too overwhelming for me.  Especially doing it alone.

 

For the first time ever from the Wel- Systems a "virtual decloaking." was pioneered through four beautiful, fierce women, with the acceptance from Louise Lebrun.  Willing to stand alone in the comforts of our homes and know at the same time that we were safe.  The shit that we moved through virtually was safe because we trusted.  We trusted that there was more of us waiting to unfold on the other side.  With this... I woke up to more of myself.  

 

I was ready to commit to MYSELF.

 

I booked my flight.  That was also an incredible struggle and extremely empowering.  Everyday that went by I was still was unsure if I was going.  I did. I really fucking did it.  When I felt my heart racing, and my legs getting weak, I would breath and ground myself.  I did whatever it took to make me get more into my body.  When I feel that over whelming feeling, I know its because my focus is externally referenced now.  When I bring my focus to my root chakra and open up more of me.  I feel safe. I am home.  

 

When I arrived in Hawaii, I felt so free, so at home.  The warm wind in my hair, I didn't even know where I was sopose to meet Naomi.  I just knew it would work out.  In the past.  I would panic.

 

One by one, I met all the women I would see virtually on Facebook everyday, and I knew they were my tribe.  The support, and the love and the empowering words that we all give to eachother is just breathtaking.   A community of trust and strength, and knowing that home is inside of all of us. At the same time all refections of eachother.   

 

When we forget - we reach out.  

 

This community, and the empowering pictures that I was able to capture with Nancy, explain and show you the love that we can all have for one another.  To let the one other be who they are intended to be.  If we just rise up for the other women in our lives as well, and let them know they are not alone.  Let them know that what they are feeling in that moment is ok.  It is beautiful,  and it is all theirs.  To let them know that it is ok to claim their fire, whatever it may be.  Because in the end we are all one.  

 

Lets stop the habitually cycles that were/are engrained in us on our children.  Lets let them be themselves.  Even if it make us or someone else uncomfortable.   Lets, support eachother in our passions and share the shit out of them.  Lets lift each other up and listen, be honest and true to ourselves.  Lets listen to our internal ques and move forward.  If you feel shit, say you feel shit!

 

This is what works now for me now in my life.  I no longer need permission.  This is my creation.